Saturday, February 9, 2008

finding peace on the UCLA campus

i often think about going to grad school. how if i had a second chance. i would really take the time to focus.
i walk through the campus of UCLA after seeing a series of short plays by writers in their mfa playwriting program and the walk is peaceful.
the sun is out.
it is quiet.
i walk past three incredible sculptures and realize that i'm in their sculpture gardens.
the giant sculpture looks like someone pulling a body off of them but its as if it is their own body.
like wrestling with your shadow.
your doppelgänger.
your persona.
i reflect. find it to be a wink from the universe as if its telling me, "i know."
every second of the walk feels like a breath of fresh air rejuvenating my spirit.
and the best part is that all of this has been free. 
someone gave me their all day parking pass after they left early and my friend had sent me a link to get comp tickets. this is a perfect afternoon.
grad school. grad school?
my college experience was nothing like this.
but, New York is not a very peaceful place.
And then i think, this is not real.
this is a pause.
an expensive piece of time.
however if i could afford such a piece of time, i'm sure i would think differently.
but where can i find this peace without paying such a costly fine?
perhaps a fellowship. perhaps new jersey...
either way the problem is not my environment. the problem is me...right?
the problem is my ego and paralyzing insecurities. and why am i admitting this to a blog?

it feels nice to sit in the sun. almost as if the warmth is piercing through. i always kind of think vitamins are bullshit but there is something to be said about vitamin d. i could have really like LA if i had ever let myself. 
something about it seemed so suffocating. but if i really look at it, the fear of getting stuck is a fear inherit within myself. 
the fear that i will compromise. 
what a horrible thing to admit to one's self.
so for years i have led exhaustive moves and journeys and road trips just to make sure i kept moving. but all along, i have still compromised what i really want. 
i learned a lot about what i didn't want but,
i finally have enough courage to say what i want, but fuck, who thought growing up would be so hard?
i'm sure i sound like one of those whiny quarter-life crisis cry babies, but let me indulge...
a fear doesn't just go away on its own. you have to hit it head on with everything you got and even then, you're still the underdog.

i look back at that sculpture and for a moment, i feel just a little bit older.




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