Friday, February 29, 2008

bittersweet

so many things, so many things...
"you're really good at this."
"no, i'm not."
"No, you're REALLY good at this."
"its because i've been doing it for a year and a half. and i've gotten yelled at like a million times."
"you're a rock star."
and for a second i gloat a little in the compliment. he is right.
i am fucking great at this. and when i'm on my A game, i do get a satisfaction out of it. but its the kind of satisfaction that is temporary, floating, drifting...
it will be a bittersweet change. i am good at what i do, i have a great relationship with my boss and i am on top of every piece of information. 
but i know that in the end its not what i want to do...right?
define youth.
always searching for that right answer, that right decision, when there is no way to truly know it.
define folly of youth. 
i get excited about him. i get excited about friday nights and making dinners and hanging out in our own little world.
i get excited about the world. seeing it, experiencing it, with him. its like seeing things new again. 
i sit in a messy room paralyzed. the task at hand seems daunting and scary and i'm not sure i want to see it all packed up. does that mean its real?
part of me doesn't know where to begin and part of me is just too afraid.
how do i say see ya later? i hate that. and right at a time when there is so much life happening. four babies will be born over the next couple of weeks. maybe its the perfect time to go. right under the radar. this is a shitty blog. 

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