Friday, February 29, 2008


so many things, so many things...
"you're really good at this."
"no, i'm not."
"No, you're REALLY good at this."
"its because i've been doing it for a year and a half. and i've gotten yelled at like a million times."
"you're a rock star."
and for a second i gloat a little in the compliment. he is right.
i am fucking great at this. and when i'm on my A game, i do get a satisfaction out of it. but its the kind of satisfaction that is temporary, floating, drifting...
it will be a bittersweet change. i am good at what i do, i have a great relationship with my boss and i am on top of every piece of information. 
but i know that in the end its not what i want to do...right?
define youth.
always searching for that right answer, that right decision, when there is no way to truly know it.
define folly of youth. 
i get excited about him. i get excited about friday nights and making dinners and hanging out in our own little world.
i get excited about the world. seeing it, experiencing it, with him. its like seeing things new again. 
i sit in a messy room paralyzed. the task at hand seems daunting and scary and i'm not sure i want to see it all packed up. does that mean its real?
part of me doesn't know where to begin and part of me is just too afraid.
how do i say see ya later? i hate that. and right at a time when there is so much life happening. four babies will be born over the next couple of weeks. maybe its the perfect time to go. right under the radar. this is a shitty blog. 

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

dear prudence

writing a new scene and the characters begin to talk to each other.
she calls her "Prudence."
And I realize that i'm not completely sure what that word means.
It sums it up as the "exercise of sound judgement in practical affairs."
but as i read on, it seems that in english, prudence is almost interchangeable with cautiousness.
i skip ahead to read, "can become the vice of cowardice."
prudence is also one of the four cardinal virtues.
plato identified prudence "with the rulers and reason"
i read on to learn that St. Augustine described prudence as "love distinguishing with sagacity between what hinders it and what helps it."
it quickly becomes something i want to strive for...or maybe i'll just make it my next tattoo.
define fortitude.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

the star

i open up one of the trillion yahoo accounts I created while drunk several years ago because I couldn't remember a password to my original account, and there is a slew of emails from facebook.
someone is requesting to tag many of my photos.
an activity spent while burning away work time is always welcome.
i open up my requests page and begin to confirm all these photo tags. 
i realize that i have an insane amount of pictures of her and her and i on my website.
she calls me.
"i haven't checked your blog all week."
"i'm catching up. missed five days."
"how do i become the star?"
"i want to be the star of one of your blogs."
i laugh.
"well, i'm sure you'll be all over it when i get to new york."
the connection breaks up.
i glance over the many pictures of us and i smile knowing exactly what my today's blog will be. 
she is the star of so many things for me- facebook, friendships, my future play...
and today she is the star of my blog. 
she calls me back. 
we chat in a language that i only have with her, especially in my alien world right now.
"you're coming so soon. that's so exciting."
i'm scared shitless, but when i hear her say that it takes the edge off.
there is a sisterhood there that i cannot explain. but she is the kind of person that fits into the very small category of who i would take a bullet for.
she is just that special and amazing of a human being.
we hang up shortly after and my day is lifted, as dreams of dance and theatre and beers in a new york pub take me away from the computer screen burning holes in my retinas. 


am i really almost all caught up?
note to self- don't ever fall off the blog writing wagon again.
change, change, change...
so much happening in the air.
i hear bob dylan crooning in my head.
i can almost feel the wind of the open road on my face
bugs on the windshield
maybe getting through half of my iPod and maybe half of his mp3 player.
feeling the surf underneath my feet already.
not running away, but running towards.
oh to be young...
i can taste the many soups i will have as meals in my future
i can see what the seasons changing will look like
i can feel the fear creeping in...but it feels different this time.
"i feel like i'm jumping into a big black hole"
"its alright. i got a flashlight."
cheers to the flashlight.


raining in los angeles...
it feels like another city and for a second i feel like i am traveling.
five bags to goodwill
"shit. i keep forgetting those other two bags."
"behind the door?"
two more bags to goodwill.
the phone rings.
news of a new housemate.
three moroccan light fixtures.
"they're made from sheep skin."
i stop touching it, but we head to the register.
the idea of interior decorating has never been more exciting.
laundry, rain, pictures from Aconcagua
an empty visit from a miscommunication
Ribs USA
"they're not that hot."
"a little."
"my lips are tingling."
midnight cowboy.
"this is a weird fucking movie."
"this IS a weird fucking movie."


dinner with friends.
"i become such a chatterbox."
"she keeps up with you."
"did you have a nice time talking with him?"
and we drive home with full bellies and exhausted smiles.

Monday, February 25, 2008


stomach aches
restroom keys
an iv
him making me laugh
wheel me in
"here come the drugs."
"how long will it take?"
"you ever remember how you fall asleep?"
"that was easy."
going home.
best nap time ever
snowboarding store
double movie feature
apple pan for burger, fries and apple pie.
running in the rain.
not such a bad day for all the wasted energy expended on what that morning would be.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

stress & the shawshank redemption

i did not mean to fall asleep last night, but i think my nerves got the best of me.
i used to never think about stress and what that actually does to your body.
i guess i kind of felt the same way about stress as i did about vitamins.
it may effect you but how can you ever truly test it?
and now here i am with constant stomach aches and a series of doctors appointments i would have never considered two years ago.
i think the universe is trying to tell me something...correction. i KNOW the universe is trying to tell me something and has been for a very long time, but i kept turning the other cheek.
now my body is finally telling me that thing and its forcing me to shut up and listen.
i have always been very stubborn. so things the hard way, learn the hard way.
maybe after the next two days and all the anxiety of the next two days will force me to not put up such a fight in the future. 
maybe, jut maybe, i will be open to the idea that i am not invincible.
i watched the last 30 minutes of the shawshank redemption the other morning.
morgan freeman tells the guys at their lunch table, "every man has his breaking point."
amen, morgan. but don't you think every man has many fissures along the way?
define stress.
see crows feet.
andy dufraine spent 19 years in prison for a crime he didn't commit and climbed through 500 yards of shit to get his freedom.
i really have nothing to complain about.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008


we ate our tickets to big bear and decided to sleep in and get ready for the big move.
the day was full of trash bags and good will bags, a useless trip to buffalo exchange, two trips to the office and a script for weekend read. none of this is that interesting.
but in the middle of it, we stepped outside and decided to have a southern lunch at the farmers market.
shrimp po boy for him, jambalaya for me.
"this'll get you ready for jazz fest."
and for a second i drift off to the wildest part of my imagination.
music, sweat, heat, spicy cajun food, a beat in my heart and a tap in my foot and i am excited by the idea of my pending freedom. 
i ask him how his sandwich is.
"pretty good, but it needs another scoop or two of shrimp. in new orleans they put so much shrimp in there, you can't even close the sandwich."
i hear the cicadas.
when carmen and i drove through the south a couple years ago, i remember writing a love  letter to memphis. the sounds, the smells, the feel...
i remember thinking how i wanted to stay there for a while, maybe try living there just to see...
i add more hot sauce to my bowl of jambalaya and we enjoy our lunch with visions of new orleans melting on our taste buds.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

surfing the mountain

after a two hour drive
learning snow summit was sold out of lift tickets
parking in the lower lot of bear mountain 
standing in an astonishing shuttle line
followed by an equally astonishing lift ticket line
we finally got on the mountain. 
it felt like it could have been 60 degrees
the sky was clear, the sun was blazing, the snow was melting
"i should have brought my surfboard," a teenager clicks in before taking on rip turn
we take a few runs and finally set out to explore the other side of the mountain
we find the chair lift for exhibition
the top of the run reveals a spectacular view of the lake and an even better view of very few riders on this crowded Sunday
we hit it and the feeling comes back
the sound of the snow spraying behind me and then in front of me
the wind in my face
the freedom that speed gives you
the carving, the dance, 
it is my meditation.
my time to focus on just the task in front of me.
no blackberry vibrating, cell phone ringing, fires to put out or egos to anticipate
its just me and a mountain and i can't help but find the poetry in it.

homework passes

i sink into him after a long hard day of eulogies and barbeque chicken
i start to fall asleep and it feels like it will be the best sleep i've had in 3 months.
i shake awake.
"are we going to fall asleep right now?"
he nods, halfway there himself.
"i can't. all the lights are on and i have to do my blog."
"aw. alright."
i stop myself and realize what i have done. 
i sink back in his chest and let myself go, allowing myself to take this night and maybe this weekend to be completely selfish.
i don't know exactly when this blog became homework, but its the good kind. the self reflecting kind. the kind that made you think rather than repeat. 
but for right now, i will use some saved up homework passes.

Friday, February 15, 2008

exchanging farewells while waiting for the elevator

we step off the elevator and drop off our bags
"i have something for you," she hands me a letter.
"you can't read it now."
"i can't read it now. i'll start crying."
we falls silent.
"i don't know what to say," i hug her tightly.
"i don't know what i'm going to do without you."
"you'll be fine."
"its cool that we're both going in such different directions."
"the right directions."
"your friendship much to me," i hate this stuff. i don't let myself feel it, even though i know i will be so incredibly sad."
"i'm going to go, before i get all..."
she laughs, "ok, good."
we part ways and it feels empty. 
i cannot believe that was it and now everyday will be different. 
i suck at saying goodbye. i'm either a robot or a blubbering mess. 
but i think everyone prefers the robot. 
i told her i loved her, i told her i would miss her and i thanked her...
but in the end, i still don't think anything i said was enough.
but maybe it never would have been.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

marty mcfly

its amazing how one moment, one slight look or gesture or word can unleash a rage that is buried deep inside you.
what comes out is nothing short of shameful and in the end, makes us weaker.
i am no george mcfly. if you try to push, i'm going to slingshot back.
but at what cost?
define humility.
me and marty mcfly hand in hand with our tragic flaw, our raw nerve, our achilles heel, our...."chicken"
he makes a gesture and i feel the shift inside me
i feel myself move back on my heels and i see myself lunge
and out it comes 
like a forest fire burning every shred of dignity in its path
i can hear myself, "reel it in, girl."
but all that follows in a slew of pent up frustration neatly dressed in profanities and hypocrisy
i spit back the same disrespect that sparked me in the first place and now i am no better than the very thing i pushed back on.
i am shaking.
i search for validation in the madness and i know that i am wrong
nothing warrants that.
i apologize.
i am embarrassed.
i am disgraced.
define humility.
i pick up my boots and i keep on walking knowing that the only way i will salvage the growth i have achieved in this last year is by humbling myself immediately when i know i have gone backwards.
rewind revise,
rewind, revise.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008


the night before christmas
the night before disneyland
the drive to a rock concert
boarding a plane to a far away place
getting off the chairlift
driving off the lot with your first car
taking the stage to accept a playwriting award
getting on your longboard at the top of a hill with nothing but gravity and gravel 
singing karaoke at your friend's bachelorette party
sitting at the table in the last round of a poker tournament....
but nothing is quite like waiting to get your baby from the airport.
24 hours and counting...

Monday, February 11, 2008

tea and macaroons

in a few short days i will lose this friend of mine to another job.
for a long time i called her "jim's other assistant," but after a very tough year had passed and we had slowly become engrained into each other's lives, it effortlessly changed to "friend."
in recent months she has become a confidant, a support, a therapist, a flowing fountain of tranquility and zen amidst the very shark-infested hollywood waters (and yes, i am reveling in my clichés)
we both have been through ugly break ups, moves, car accidents, stress-induced meltdowns and general frustrations with the job and with each other...all the while sitting no more than two feet across from one another.
the fact that we can call each other friends is pretty incredible at this point and not only do i see her as a friend, but she has become a really good one.
she knows more of my secrets than anybody else at this point.
had we met in any other way, i don't know if we would have become friends. 
we have different interests, different tastes, opposite personality traits...
define odd couple.
she is organized, intellectual and neat. she loves classical music and reading and painfully epic romantic films...
i think i may just look stupid next to her, but i'm going to go with it.
on my birthday last year, i asked for coronas and chips & guacamole.
for her going away party she has asked for tea and macaroons.
define classy.
we chit chat the day away getting ready for this incredible shift, but when i think about the next couple of days and the anxiety building up, it is not so much about all the work i will have to take on, but more about how the hell i am going to hold up without my friend, my partner sitting two feet away from me.
and though i am thrilled for her to move on and continue on her journey, there is the slightest bit of selfishness in me screaming, "damn you, smokehouse!"

Sunday, February 10, 2008

sunday afternoon adventure

i don't know where it came from, but today i went on a two hour bike ride totaling 20.6 miles.
at about 2:30 i sat up from an unsuccessful attempt at an afternoon nap and decided the day was too nice not to be outside.
the idea was to go on an adventure. i really wanted to see the beach today and at about 2:45 I set off.
at motor i said, "this is pretty good." but the light changed green so i kept going.
at sawtelle, i thought, "okay don't push it. this is good."
at centinela, i thought, "you might as well at this point."
and at wade, just as i was thinking, "this is crazy. at some point you will have to turn back...the temperature dropped."
i made it all the way to venice beach and it was alive.
so many people, performers, vendors, artists, protesters, graffiti artists...
it was exactly what i needed.
i cruised the boardwalk, gliding the line between the sand and the mayhem.
i biked past the sunday drum circle, past the volleyball games, eventually ending up at the santa monica pier where i watched some sailboats and some guys doing the rings.
another man practiced walking a tight rope and another one scaled the hanging rope that is at least twenty feet up.
it was like a circus but a lot more honest.
i call him.
"da-amn," he responds to my impressive trek.
"yeah, i don't know how i'm going to get back, but i guess i'll just do it."
later i will tell him that i don't know why i do these kinds of extremes. i will tell him that i just wanted an adventure.
i get back on my bike and head home. the wind is in my face, the sun on my cheeks and i feel free.
i am comforted in knowing that i can find an adventure anywhere if i just listen.
on the way home, my legs begin to shake at the red lights.
i can feel the muscles tightening, wondering what they have done wrong to deserve such punishment.
i get home and they are swollen. my face is the slightest bit sunburn and my wrists are sore from carrying the weight of my torso on the handles.
and i feel better than i have in a very long time.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

finding peace on the UCLA campus

i often think about going to grad school. how if i had a second chance. i would really take the time to focus.
i walk through the campus of UCLA after seeing a series of short plays by writers in their mfa playwriting program and the walk is peaceful.
the sun is out.
it is quiet.
i walk past three incredible sculptures and realize that i'm in their sculpture gardens.
the giant sculpture looks like someone pulling a body off of them but its as if it is their own body.
like wrestling with your shadow.
your doppelgänger.
your persona.
i reflect. find it to be a wink from the universe as if its telling me, "i know."
every second of the walk feels like a breath of fresh air rejuvenating my spirit.
and the best part is that all of this has been free. 
someone gave me their all day parking pass after they left early and my friend had sent me a link to get comp tickets. this is a perfect afternoon.
grad school. grad school?
my college experience was nothing like this.
but, New York is not a very peaceful place.
And then i think, this is not real.
this is a pause.
an expensive piece of time.
however if i could afford such a piece of time, i'm sure i would think differently.
but where can i find this peace without paying such a costly fine?
perhaps a fellowship. perhaps new jersey...
either way the problem is not my environment. the problem is me...right?
the problem is my ego and paralyzing insecurities. and why am i admitting this to a blog?

it feels nice to sit in the sun. almost as if the warmth is piercing through. i always kind of think vitamins are bullshit but there is something to be said about vitamin d. i could have really like LA if i had ever let myself. 
something about it seemed so suffocating. but if i really look at it, the fear of getting stuck is a fear inherit within myself. 
the fear that i will compromise. 
what a horrible thing to admit to one's self.
so for years i have led exhaustive moves and journeys and road trips just to make sure i kept moving. but all along, i have still compromised what i really want. 
i learned a lot about what i didn't want but,
i finally have enough courage to say what i want, but fuck, who thought growing up would be so hard?
i'm sure i sound like one of those whiny quarter-life crisis cry babies, but let me indulge...
a fear doesn't just go away on its own. you have to hit it head on with everything you got and even then, you're still the underdog.

i look back at that sculpture and for a moment, i feel just a little bit older.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

"music is your special friend..."

" on fire as it intends."
for a solid year in high school, i would come home and play the doors' self-titled debut album.
the year before that was pearl jam's ten.
intercut between these two staples were nirvana's entire catalog, stone temple pilots first three albums, soundgarden's superunknown, rhcp's blood sugar sex magic (thats right, i abbreviated it), and fiona apple's tidal wave.
on my 15th birthday, my little brother gave me alanis morissette's jagged little pill. i remember thinking that i would not like that album and for a good three months i listened to it every single morning.
i had lots of other bands that had brief obsession stints in my adolescent life: courtney love's hole, the cranberries' no need to argue...oh the cranberries. that may have been one of the staples.
i used to credit and i think sometimes still credit eddie vedder with my surviving my teenage years. 
music has always been medicine and today i had a four hour fiona apple session that reminded me of such delight.
after a shitty day at work dealing with the bullshit politics of the office and cattiness reminiscent of a high school locker room, i came home thoroughly depressed. angry, frustrated, wanting to get out of my situation but torn by my internal moral conflict of wanting to do the right thing. 
sometimes i think that maybe i don't really know what the right thing is. but i suppose that is very endemic of being in your 20's...hopefully that will grow up with the rest of me. 
music has always cured my ailment. 
even if sometimes it is temporary, having one of those four-hour, sing-your-heart-out sessions always seems to smack me in the face and then offer me a hand off the ground. 
i have only truly been disappointed by one album -and when i say disappointed i mean truly unbearable- crash test dummies' god shuffled his feet. 
i was young. 
and this was before you could sample an album at blockbuster music or hit up the internet.
i was twelve and i became obsessed with mmm mmm mmm mmm.
after a particularly great soccer tournament my dad offered to buy me a cd for being a team leader. 
i chose that one.
i have kept every cd i've ever owned...except for that one.
somewhere i have an swv (you guessed it, sisters with voices) cd floating around along with arrested development's 3 years, 5 months and 2 days in the life of...
even when everyone got into trading and selling old cds, i never could bring myself to do it.
no matter how tired an album had gotten (jagged little pill), or how scratched up (nine inch nails' the downward spiral) an oldie had become, these jewels at one point saved me from the never ending pit of teenage despair.
and even though i'm in what is starting to become my mid to late 20s, the first three pages of my cd notebook is still and will forever be pearl jam. 
i will still flip and see that old doors album that i have not listened to in probably ten years, but all i need to do is look at it and the music is there, jim morrison screaming in my head, eddie vedder scratching his throat in my ears, fiona apple soothing my nerves with her bittersweet love songs.
all one beautiful fucking lullaby.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

file under thank you

"it sounds like you have some direction which it doesn't seem you've had for a while," she delicately strings the sentence together and i think i have heard all of her words, but in recounting i have to think hard if those words were the exact ones she used. 
either way, i know exactly what she meant and something about it is very comforting.
it is nice to hear it coming from her.
for as complex or as simple as i may see myself, she has always had a way that made me feel as if she understands my plight in an effortless way.

i tell her how crazy i am about him and she tells me, "THAT is exciting."
and it makes it all the more thrilling. 
we don't talk often but when we do, the conversations stay with me.
i can't remember a single conversation i had with any of my friends at work last week, but i can recall all of the times this friend of mine and i  have sat down and taken the time to really talk to each other.
she is good at being honest with me and for that i will cherish the friendship i have.
she was the first to tell me an old boyfriend was no good for me and one of the first to offer a girls night in after we broke up three years later.
there are people in our lives that come in at very specific moments and if we are quiet enough, they leave a whisper for eternity.

we sit at the same table we sat at almost a year ago, and i know i will keep this lunch with me for a long time.
our lives visibly different and yet both at a fork in the road just before our lives change drastically-hers a lot more than mine.
it is true what they say. she has a glow and that's when it dawns on me.
some little lucky person will get her undivided attention forever in a few weeks. 
they will get her honesty that i hold sacred. they will get her calmness that i love to be around. they will get her humorous perspectives on life. they will get all of her goodness times one trillion and i think, "they will get one hell of a mother."

i don't know when we will have our next lunch, but i know that i am already looking forward to it.

Monday, February 4, 2008

finding inspiration on the verge of a panic attack

i finally break free of the congested 110 freeway for what feels like a stolen escape off the 5 freeway.
temple street.
i find myself on the correct street on the first try for the first time in downtown la and i slip into the parking structure. 
usually i would scoff at this notion of high priced parking when the street is a perfectly good rest stop, but time is ticking, and i convince myself that this $8 is my fee for attending a free reading.
i make it into the annex, and i begin to shake.
i don't know anyone, but everyone else seems to know everyone else.
just as i take my seat, the trembling gets worse and i quickly whisk away to a restroom.
by the time i reach the stall, my hands are shaking so bad i can barely lock the stall.  
in an effort to hang my purse and coat, i drop them both and my breathing becomes shortened.
"calm down, girl." i tell myself.  i have always liked talking to myself as if i was the only friend that really understood. listening to your own voice detach and command your body gives you a perspective on yourself that always makes for good comedy.
i slow down. i take a breath. i take a moment.
i collect myself. i re-enter the rehearsal hall and i take a seat.
as i look around the filling room it strikes me why i am so unnerved. this room is my fear.
i am looking at the life that i want and something about that is liberating and thrilling and terrifying.
like i'm too scared to fall completely in love with it so when i let myself down, the fall will be easier.
and then it comes.
"you are uncomfortable. you are exactly where you are supposed to be."
define clarity.
i feel alive. i feel the same electric pulse like i do every time i step into a theatre or a room with a designated stage. it is my blank canvas, my art piece, my song. 
the play begins, my breathing calms, and i am at ease.
i am home. 

i call him on the way home and i spill my heart out on this fascinating evening where it seemed that all my emotions and worries collided and created something that shook me.
define inspiration.
i tell him that i don't want to get derailed again.
he says it in a way that says, "i won't let you."
he says it in a way that says, "i promise."
"that's so cool," i fumble with a real thank you.
"that's what love is," and time freezes. 
i am home again.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

go giants

there is nothing quite like watching your team win the superbowl.
much love to all my g men.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

the common cold

-"i feel like i have a train in my ears."
-"you should get some other cold medicine on your way home?"
-"no. it's a cold. i can't do anything about it."
-"i guess not."
-"with as sophisticated as we are, how come we can't find the cure for the common cold?"
-"because there's too much money in it."
-"too much money where?"
-"do you know how much money is made off cold medicine?"
-"yeah, but we spend money trying to find a cure for cancer, for aids, a cure for alzheimers," i don't know if i've really made my point.
-"the common cold still makes too much money. and everyone gets sick."
-"i think they just can't figure it out."
-"maybe. i'm a bit of a conspiracy theorist."
-"well, i don't have the energy to argue conspiracies."
-"i'm not trying to argue. its just how i was brought up to think."
-"what's that supposed to mean?"
-"nothin. its just my dad's kind of a conspiracy theorist, too. he says there's always some angle."
-"i still have a cold. and i still feel like shit."
he stays with me on the phone. he listens to my complaints. we argue about manners and food criticism interspersed with jests of defeat and victory for an argument that never really ends. we pass the time, but we pass it with each other. and i am thankful for his companionship in a way that is extra special when my nose is rubbed raw.
he calls again to say goodnight and urges me to go to bed. i don't put up much of a fight; partially because i am exhausted and partially because when he tells me what to do i know its because he cares. and something about his delicate commands brings me a comfort that makes the common cold just the slightest bit more tolerable, and way better than any other cold medicine.

Friday, February 1, 2008

not my duck, not my bottle: the importance of not helping people in a political environment

define sanity.
today someone told me a precious little proverb:
a man is trying to find the answer to a question so he goes to a man who gives him a duck and a bottle.
the man says, "take this duck and put it into this bottle without killing. "
so the guy thanks him, takes it and tries all night to get the duck in the bottle.
he comes back to the guy and says, "this is impossible."
the guy tells him again, "get this duck in this bottle and you will find the answer to all of your questions."
the guy goes home and tries again. 
another day passes and he realizes something. 
he takes the duck and the bottle back to the man and says, "hey, this isn't my duck and this isn't my bottle."
the man congratulates him, "you finally figured it out."

sound advice. 
i find that every couple of years i relearn the same lesson.
but today i'm hoping it sunk in.
"never go out of your way to help someone in a political environment. it will somehow always come back to bite you."
"can  i write this all down?
"i only give it to people i care about. the rest are are on their own."
we get down to business. and it dawns on me why i have stayed around as long as i have. 
i am still learning.
and though it is time to move on, it brings me a little peace in knowing that no time spent in this job has been wasted, even at the very end. 
define growth.
i come back to my father's words, "make your decisions with courage."
it feels like maybe i can finally detach with love from a place that has been both nurturing and restricting, demanding but forgiving. 
love, cherish, move forward.
and perhaps that is the true first step in letting go of anything.