Sunday, January 27, 2008

when the rain comes

this is a love letter to the man i love dear.
i am posting this on my blog because i want to thank you.
i would say it is a public thank you, but the truth is its only you and me reading this anyway.
but it feels a little more poetic like this rather than an email.
i suppose it should really be a hand written letter sprayed with my idea of what perfume should be and sealed with a burt's bees chapstick kiss.
but i know that you will see this tomorrow, and if you close your eyes maybe the smell of white musk and peppermint oil will come through.

today was hard.
the miles are catching up to us, though i gotta say you play it a lot more cool than i do.
"i'm hanging on by a thread here."
"to what?"
"to everything."
i tell you that i feel like my emotions are in the driver seat and i'm the annoying backseat driver that everyone wishes would just shut up.
and we laugh and a couple days pass and conversations go well and we think we have made it through a tough time...
and then the rain comes...
and we realize we are just in the thick of it.
you tell me to hang on. just a little while longer and we will be able to start our life together.
and i try to keep fighting. 
try to keep closing my heart because it makes it easier to go through the day here without an open wound. 
and you take it. you never get off the phone first. you tell me that you love me. you ask me what i want you  to do. you never quit even when i have given you every reason to.
i hang up the phone after an outpouring that i am not particularly proud of and i think, "shit...i guess he really does love me."
define patience.
define passion.
"love is a feeling that is not hard to explain."
i think about that.
"you of all people should know that."
"because you're a romantic." 
you caught me and you know it and we laugh. 
i hate being called such naive things...even when i know its true.
define love.
you have a way of making me discover myself in the places i hate to look.
define patience.
i sit at my desk which is clean for the first time in months, never mind the floor, and i see these two pictures of us caught in two very different times in our lives and my heart beats just a little bit faster.
and i say to myself, "goddman...i love this guy."
i tell you to meet me halfway. i tell you to come and get me. i tell you not to buy a ticket out here. 
i tell you, i tell you...
all the things i don't want to say but happen to make their way to the surface and yet all i really want to say is thank you.
all i really want to say is that i love you.
all i really want to say is that i'm hurting for so many other reasons that have nothing to do with us and at the same time, everything that has to do with us...that is, if we're really going to do this, babe.
all i really want to say is that i think you are the strongest and yet most loving human being ever.
all i really want to say is that i am better when in your presence.
all i really want to say is that when the rain comes, don't wear your raincoat. 
i promise the wet clothes are worth it.

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