Songs I Want To Dance To Right Now

Me: The Richest Woman On The Planet

In planning my wedding, something really awesome has happened. My father and I are talking a lot more frequently. And not just about the wedding, but about regular life obstacles which is something I have always been able to talk to him about, but it feels different right now. When I share with him some of the stuff I am having difficulty with, like career goals and understanding where I'm headed, he doesn't tell me what to do. Not that he ever really did too much of that. But right now he just shares with me where he still experiences the same kinds of things. He tells me how he can relate with similar obstacles in his life right now. He reminds me that life is forever a mystery and we have no more control over individuals that frustrate us or hurt us than we do over where life is going to take us and what hurdles will come our way.

I have always wanted to be a writer. I went to school for it. I am always taking workshops. I'm in a writing group. I have a blog. But at 30, I am no fool and I know just how difficult it is to make a living at writing. And the living it may afford me, I'm not so sure I want anyway. When I told him this left me feeling a little aimless or unsure about what I could be passionate about then, in terms of a job and a career, you know that never-ending question: how do I make more money? which has a subtext question: How will I ever be able to raise a family?, he told me not to forget that I had a talent.

"I'm just not sure what it is," I told him and then he said one of the nicest things someone's ever sad to me.

He said, "Well, it starts with your heart. Writing is just a tool for that. But you have always had a big heart and the ability to touch people."

I'd be lying if I didn't get all teary eyed.  No one gets me like my dad can get to me. For as loud as my bark is, the truth is I have always been very sensitive. So much of the "toughness" I present to the world comes from having a heart that feels so much.

So, whether that truly is my talent or not, it was nice to hear and I don't feel embarrassed to share because it shows just what an awesome dad I have. I was recently thinking about how much kindness is overrated in today's world. When I talk to single women about the kind of partner they are looking for, kindness  is almost never on the list. There is always the physical, the superficial, the things that bring us happiness in the short term, that instant gratification. Or people want a "challenge,"someone who will challenge them, which can be interpreted in so many ways. But actual kindness is so overlooked, so under appreciated. We hold cynicism, wit, humor and looks far superior than being good-natured, giving, genuine and kind. And while I may not be able to see the kind of "career path" I'm on and while I may not be able to see where I'm headed in life, ever, I can say that in my life I have come to treasure kindness and honesty and sincerity.  I have been blessed with a father who is genuine and capable to express to me that he thinks my talent is a big heart. He also raised my brother to be a sensitive, caring man who opens the car door for his girlfriend and calls his sister just to see how she is doing with wedding planning. And while Mike and my Dad seem very different on the outside, at their core, they are the same kind of man. For myself, I don't know that I would have found a guy like Mike without having the kind of father I've been given. And for all the pain and loss that I have experienced in other areas of my life, all the frustrations and obstacles I am experiencing with career and finances, as far as the men in my life are concerned, I feel like the richest woman on the planet and that is enough to be grateful for- for a lifetime.

No Room for Sentiment

 Not one, but both of my Yahoo email accounts have been hacked by some dude in Spain! Ugh!!! Maybe it was some bitch in Spain, but either way I'm pissed! I'm not so much as pissed at the actual act but at the countless number of emails I still have saved in these accounts. I die! The spam email even went to a Hollywood screenwriter I worked for right out of college. I worked for him for one week until the weekend when he went on a cocaine bender and called me obsessively- sexual harassment all the way. When Monday morning came around and I was supposed to show up to his office which was conveniently out of his home, I sent my cousin Gary to drop off whatever work I had of his. Yeah, that guy got a spam email from me. Ex boyfriend and father of ex-boyfriend, you got it. A list of Hollywood contacts I was secretly hiding/saving for the day I got my "big break," yup.

And just why do I have these ancient emails saved? Call it laziness, call it my hoarding problem. For whatever reason, it made me feel connected. I seem to forget that there is no need for that because now there is facebook and twitter and maybe, just maybe, it ain't so important to stay in touch with that many people. I just went through one account and deleted 125 contacts. Then I went through the other and deleted 88 contacts. Over 200 email addresses I don't need anymore and I'm sure there are lots more. But what a great purge. I think you should only clean when you're angry 'cause there is just no room for sentiment. 

SoHo Snap #2

Saturday Serenity

While making this playlist I learned that a classmate from high school just passed away from breast cancer at twenty-nine years old. I was out of touch with her for many years but a few months ago she had friended me on Facebook. I could see through her pictures how much she had struggle and battled cancer and yet in every picture she had a big smile. In honor of Catherine Stringer who was an inspiration, one of the smartest women I ever knew, and had a spirit larger than life, there are few songs here picked for her and the color for today is pink. Rest in peace, Catherine and thank you for gracing us with your short but hugely inspiring life.

Time Warp

Tramp Stamp Thursdays: The Chinese Character

Tramp Stamp:
'Hope' in Chinese...let's hope in English

Time of Tramp Stamp: 
18th birthday

Tattoo Meaning:
I'm an adult now and I do what I want! (In other words...Take that, Mom!)

Bio:
Erin wanted this tattoo since the time she was 16 years old. On why she wanted this, Erin said, "The idea behind the tattoo came from my feelings in the wake of my father's death. I felt it represented what I aspired to be at that time, what I kept trying to remind myself to be: hopeful. Even in the darkest times, I thought it might remind me to keep looking forward."

Erin admits, "I BEGGED my mom to let me get it. Some of my friends had tattoos and I felt it was unfair for her to deny me this mark of coolness. She just kept telling me, when you are 18, you can do whatever you want ... if you still want it then, at least you know you really wanted it. Well, the day of my 18th birthday, I called her up to tell her I was getting that tattoo."  You rebel!

Erin went to the tattoo parlor with my boyfriend at the time and his sister, both of whom had tattoos already.  Erin said, "I certainly felt like an adult and I really felt that I knew what I wanted, given how long I waited."

Currently Erin is a doctoral candidate in Sociology at Princeton and an adjunct professor at Kean University.

Tattoo Goal:
While Erin has thought about incorporating her tat into a larger, more interesting tattoo she confesses that she thinks her tattoo days might be over. But one thing's for damn sure, she definitely won't have it removed. She said, "Seems just as silly to pay that much money to take it off as it was to have it put on in the first place." Erin added, "It was a very meaningful tattoo at the time I picked it (I didn't just pick it off the wall), and because of its importance at that time in my life, it remains an important part of my life history. Even if chinese symbol tattoos are cliche, this one still means something 'rare' (another translation of the tattoo) to me."

If you are interested in having your tramp stamp profiled, shoot me an email (button on the right side of my blog), leave a comment or tweet me! (@rewindrevise)