Monday, October 27, 2014

Home is wherever I'm with you...

photo cred: Sara Moe
First Anniversary
Two years ago we said "Yes" to a life of creative messiness and leaps into the unknown. Not even a year later, we left everything and went around the world. Last year, we spent our first anniversary in India. We woke up and saw the Taj Mahal and then took a 9 hour journey on a train infested with cockroaches. We powered through way too many episodes of Breaking Bad  and when we arrived at Khajuraho it was pitch black and we were mobbed by tuk tuk drivers. We eventually got into one that ran us off the road and almost into a cow. We hopped out of that one and shared another ride into town. We found the only Indian Italian place in town on a hotel rooftop and had pizza and beer. This year we dropped off our puppy to get spayed.

I miss New York and our lives in Brooklyn, but the truth is it doesn't matter where we are as long as we are walking next to each other and laughing, a lot.
photo cred: Sara Moe
Happy anniversary, handsome. So many adventures behind us, so many more before us.




Thursday, October 23, 2014

Word

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

How to Surrender to Life on Life's Terms: Picking up Dog Shit

Me in the Erg Chebbi Desert, Morocco / photo cred: Mike Bacchione
On the phone the other day, a dear friend told me about a speaker that came to her place of work and talked about how our goals most always be just far enough out of reach because we measure ourselves not by attaining the goal by by how far we've come.  She went on to say that Buzz Aldrin and all the men who came back from their landing on the moon fell into subsequent depressions - a little unknown fact that the history books do not detail. They had been to the moon, they had attained their life goal and when they returned the world they lived in what was no longer familiar. What tops landing on the moon?

I did not land on the moon and I have not made a dent in history, but I accomplished something that brought me the greatest joy and adventure and freedom I ever experienced in my life. It only makes sense for me to still not know what the hell is next for me. And yet, I know enough. And more is becoming clear.

My life has been about dogs lately. Maple, my brother's dog Wally who we watched for a week while they were on their honeymoon, Morgan's dog who needed a loving ride to the vet, and today, Lily Grace - a runaway that found her way to Mike and Maple. Maple gets her final shots this Friday which means FREEDOM. She can finally be walked outside. We try to socialize her with Wally and other dogs when we can but today, it was like the universe opened up and dropped a tiny gift for us. Lily Grace and Maple got a very active and friendly play date until her owner's contacted us back to come and get her. But it's been good to be around dogs. They don't care about anything but loving you and eating and pooping. Whenever I start to feel blue or take myself too seriously, I clean up the patio and pick up piles of dog shit and scrub it all down. (And I do this at least twice a day to give you an idea of how much shit we are talking.) Nothing humbles you like picking up feces under a blazing sun.

The other thing my life has been about is screwing up interviews - something I never had a problem with until coming back here. And part of the reason, I have to believe, is that my heart hasn't truly been in any of the positions I have interviewed for. For one interview I switched the time in my head and got there an hour late. I have only done that one other time in my life and it was for the SATs. My confidence was so shot I blew the entire thing. The latest interview I also screwed up by talking too fast and also accidentally asking "so is that the light at the tunnel?" when asking about the trajectory of the job. The truth is, I have been working since before I even left for the trip. I have worked freelance, consistently, and even now I am working full time freelance.  But I undervalue that work because it's hard for me to tell myself "good job." It's hard for to acknowledge when I'm kicking ass at just being me because I have this gaping blind spot where I actually seek approval from others.  It's also hard for me to value it since the pay is not something I can live off, yet. It's hard to trust that if I just really commit to this whole freelance thing, that the consistent work will come, the pay will come. But more importantly I could actually design a life and career that I want if I let go and trust. Surrender is a bitch. And for someone as stubborn as me, it seems to be coming with an ass-whoopin' to my ego. (Did I mention I got another candidacy rejection email today?) Surrender by beat down. But, my ego's not worth much these days and it's probably done me more harm than good in the scope of things.


It is only with the heart that one can see rightly....
--Antoine de Saint Exupery